My life is falling apart at the seams. I don't even know what to do.

Supermassive Black Hole

I'm so obsessed with this song as of late.

when i finally get my own place...

when i finally get my own place
the walls will be white
when i finally get my own place
i will stay out every night
and it will be quiet

when i finally get my own place
it'll do its best to please me
when i finally get my own place
it will have windows that will leak
a garden i won't weed, fish i won't feed

you don't need to be lonely
you don't need to be lost
you don't need to know what your living for
you just knock on my door

when i...
when i...
when i finally get my own place

i'll fly into a rage
i'll knock myself out
and alter hours of whispering throught the keyhole
and i let myslef back into your arms
you don't need to be lonely
you don't need to be lost
you don't need to know what your living for
you just knock on my door

when i finally get my own place
however low i go
it won't say a word
let the floor come up to meet me
the walls collapse to keep me
its the only way
you don't need to be lonely
you don't need to be lost
you don't need to know what your living for...
you don't ned to be lonely
you don't need to be lost
you don't need to know what your living for,
you don't have to be sure
you just knock on my door
when i...
when i...

I'm gonna take a film production or screenplay writing course this summer.

Writing exercises

Okay so today marks a couple of things.

I am staking a claim on my creativity. I am going to develop it. I am going to stop feeling so stagnant all the time.

I am going to WRITE again!!!

For me, this is a huge deal. I used to write every day. I used to LOVE writing. I used to lose myself in it for hours upon hours.

But I haven't written anything worthwhile in a very, very long time. And I really want to get a move on. I am still waiting for that genius idea to come to me, but someday, it will and I will be ready.

SO I've started doing writing exercises. Every day. Just like going to the gym, only for my creative mind... for my creative SOUL.

The first one I did yesterday was list 31 simple pleasures. Now every day I write about one of them for FIVE minutes.

Starting tomorrow.

Here are my 31 simple pleasures:

1) Smelling summertime
2) Driving with good music & the sunroof open
3) Getting off work early for an afternoon
4) When my apartment is tidy
5) Reading a good, long book
6) Waking up to the smell of coffee
7) An ice cream truck that drives by when it’s hot
8) Sitting in the sunshine
9) Bike-riding along the beach
10) Coming across a small amount of ‘found money’
11) Smores
12) Getting into bed when my sheets are freshly washed
13) Roadtrips
14) Getting letters in the mail
15) Dreams in which you feel loved
16) Dreaming and not having to wake up
17) Writing something that comes out easily & is truly fulfilling
18) Relating to a song so much that it scares you
19) Seeing live music that you love
20) Watching a movie you love over and over
21) Hearing a song that makes you relax
22) Getting a commending email
23) My nephew telling me he loves me
24) A glass of wine
25) A long, warm shower
26) The first day you no longer need to wear a winter coat
27) The first snowfall
28) The autumn time
29) Having coffee and reading
30) Feeling secure
31) Getting a much-needed hug


SO now that I've gotten those, starting tomorrow I will write about one of them EVERY day for a month. If I miss a day here or there, I will make it up, I promise. But I WILL do this! I need to .

Also - I am going to do character development writing exercises. Because characters are the heart of stories, and I need to develop a good one. I WILL write again, and it WILL be something worth reading!! It will be a struggle but I can do this and I need to do this for my own sanity!!!!!

Decode.

How can I decide what's right, when you're clouding up my mind? I can't win your losing fight all the time... Not gonna ever own what's mine, when you're always taking sides. But you won't take away my pride... No, not this time. Not this time.

How did we get here? When I use to know you so well... How did we get here? Well, I think I know, the truth is hiding in your eyes. And it's hanging on your tongue, just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can't see what kind of man that you are, if you're a man at all.

Well, I will figure this one out on my own... On my own ("I'm screaming I love you so")... On my own (My thoughts you can't decode)....

How did we get here? When I use to know you so well, yeah. How did we get here? Well, I think I know.

Do you see what we've done? We've gone and made such fools of ourselves. Do you see what we've done? We've gone and made such fools of ourselves. Yeah... How did we get here?

When I use to know you so well... How did we get here? Well, I use to know you so well.

I think I know... I think I know... There is something I see in you. It might kill me I want it to be true...

Going through the motions

"This might come off sounding stupid because I'm not sure I can put it in the right words. I just don’t fully understand or grasp how to live a fulfilled or happy life. I feel like I am just trying to hope for something better all the time and that it never comes.

"Do you know what I mean? It's like nothing makes me happy anymore. I don’t LOVE to do anything. I just do things. I live day to day, and can’t wait to go to sleep at night, and hate waking up in the morning.

"It sounds a lot more dismal than I mean it to… I sound miserable, or suicidal, which is not what I mean at all. I just wish I LOVED or felt passionate about something. Anything! I hate going through the motions, and that’s all I do these days."

Quote of the Day

"Human beings have speculated about the relationship between inspiration and insanity for centuries." - Patty Duke

(This is what is a constant debate in my mind for the last month... even longer if I really think about it, I guess.)

... continued.

"And why does it scare you so much? What I am? Why am I confined to hiding in myself? Why can’t I bare my soul with no misunderstandings, so misappropriations, no hope that someday I’ll ‘turn’? Is there any way to avoid a padded room, literal or otherwise?

"These flashes of inspiration only come now and again. The more I have them, the more I realize that I crave them. I want them. I don’t want them to go! I want my life to be a constant whirlwind. I don’t want to be able to keep up with myself… to ever settle down long enough to learn if I’ve missed anything. I want to fill every single nano-second with something meaningful, and hopeful, and beautiful, and intricate. I want to live a reverie, not just dream about creating one in the future.

"Because the future, well, it eventually becomes now. And the reverie still isn’t there – it gets pushed off towards tomorrow. A tomorrow that never comes to fruition because, well, tomorrow becomes today, and the reverie stays there: tomorrow.

"I need to calm this urge that yearns for the adrenaline of the unknown."

P.S.

These are writings that I love.

The end.

"Why do I feel most alive when I am in this state? When my soul is pulsing with passion, hurt, envy, pain… every gut wrenching emotion that pours through my veins, my arteries, my core? Why do my eyes feel wild? Why do I feel out of control? Like one second I want to laugh hysterically, and the next there are tears flowing down my cheeks? Almost catatonic, some would say. Numb stupor interspersed with psychotic, excited outbursts. Sometimes there is a lot of light… other times there is a lot of grey. Not dark, just grey. Gloom, doom. No hope.

"It’s like when I am happy, I am dead. I don’t feel anything as well as I feel this. And these times are impossible to predict. They are always instigated by one thing, though. Art. Creativity. Emotion. After I thought I’ve become just numb enough, it all rushes back… the feelings of emptiness and despair, the nine to five I can’t escape.

"Times like these, my eyes are wild. I am not my mature, responsible self. I want nothing more than to run away, to flee everything I have ever known, in favour of a more creative lifestyle. I want to live in sunshine, to run free all of the time. I want no responsibilities. I don’t care about money, or possessions.

"And then… just when I think I’ve hit the extreme of crazy… it’s succumbs again, and the numbness sets in once more… and it’s over. The very psychosis that made me so happy, so chaotic, and so melancholy with EMOTION for such a short time is gone. And I am the empty shell I’ve always been.

"And mostly, I am left to wonder... can you ever understand?"

"I made loneliness a home. Your ghost moved in next door. You should come get your stuff."

"Dream with a vengeance, live with a passion, and love with a fury unmatched by those weak wandering souls around us..."


"... for you are the mourning within my eyes, and without hope, we have nothing."

"I'd follow you to the ends of the earth, if you'd promise to leap off the edge with me once we meet."

How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong? Won't take my eyes off the ball again... You reel me out then you cut the string.

How come I end up where I started? How come I end up where I went wrong? Won't take my eyes off the ball again... 'Cause you reel me out and then you cut the string.

You used to be alright... What happened?

Did the cat get your tongue? Did your string come undone?

One by one... One by one...Comes to us all... Is as soft as your pillow.

You used to be alright... What happened? Etcetera... Etcetera... Thanks for whatever.

15 steps then a sheer drop.

How come I up end where I started? How come I end up where I belong?

Won't take my eyes off the ball again... You reel me out and you cut the string.

And it gets worse...

I just got some really awful news. My Dad & my Stepmom (who has been in my life as long as I can remember) are splitting up.

I don't know what to do - I feel so lost. I didn't see it coming at all, and I'm really not prepared for my family to change. I don't have a conventional family by any means, but we've built traditions and such that worked, and that I loved, and now they are gone.

I know that she'll always be a huge part of my life, and I love her. I'm so worried about my dad, and at the same time so upset myself. It feels like my parents are getting divorced all over again.

Sigh

So life is a wee bit intense at the moment.

I've been sick off and on for the last month. Right now it's on.

I was in the hospital last night from 10pm-7am. It was the longest 9 hours of my life. I had several really bad asthma attacks, and the worst part is that I had to go alone. I just feel like this city has eaten me up & spit me back out. I feel so alone here.

Work is still insane. I can hardly keep up anymore, and it doesn't help that I've been off sick for four days of the past three weeks, and on vacation 2 days.

Last Monday I got into a car accident :-( It's the first accident I've ever been in, and it wasn't too bad, but there was several thousand dollars of damage to my car, and the other guys was about $1500. He slammed on his breaks & I sneezed so I didn't see it, and couldn't stop in time. My poor car. But I guess what matters is that I am okay, and so is he. I've got a rental for the time being.

My mom is coming to visit for Easter, and then on Monday the 13th, I am going back to London. I got invited to go to my college and be a guest speaker for the current students. It's going to be awesome... and they are paying me quite nicely for my time as well. Let's just say if I could charge that much hourly, I wouldn't be living in a bachelor apartment next month ;-)

Things with business has been really slow. It's making me nervous... I don't depend on that money, but I do like to have it as a buffer zone. It's always nice to have a couple grand in savings, or to be able to pay off more debt than I am right now.

The candy buffet aspect has really taken off, so at least I have booked a couple of those. (And I've booked two wedding coordination gigs!)

Anyways, if you know someone that needs a freelance bartender, etc. send them my way.

Above & Beyond Event Services - Raising the Bar!
www.AboveAndBeyondEventServices.com